// Five Minute Idiots//

“I’ve designed a video game. It’s called REAL LIFE and you have to put in a coin to play like an old cabinet arcade machine where this black tube screen flickers awake for a second and pixelated white text on a black background says ‘Statistically you were conceived in deprivation and died in child birth, GAME OVER, thanks for playing.’ and then the power cuts and if you switch it back on again it just says ‘Please insert coin.’

You can put in as many coins as you like to see if it changes, but it never changes because it’s REAL LIFE and then I give all the money to charity; and that charity is myself. I take all the charity I can get.”

// Bukowski’s Coffee Ghost//

AND JUST THEN, IN THE FOAM OF MY EARLY MORNING COFFEE
THE GHOST OF BUKOWSKI APPEARED, AND I WAS LIKE

“GUYS, WHAT THE HELL; COME LOOK.”

AND EVERYBODY CROWDED WITH BATED BREATH
TO HEAR WHAT HE HAD TO SAY
BUT HE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING

BECAUSE HE WAS A GHOST

BUT ALSO BECAUSE HIS VOICE HAD BEEN STOLEN BY A HUNDRED THOUSAND TEENAGERS ON THE INTERNET.

// Is The Best Medicine//

“Knock Knock.”

“Who’s there?” I say.

“Can you open the door, sir? It’s the police.”

I haven’t heard this one before.

“Can you open the door, sir? It’s the police. Who?”

I sense hesitation on his part.

“Seriously sir, your wife has been in a terrible car accident.”

…

…

I’m thinking.

…

…

But No. “I don’t get it.”